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Confession: I have a fear of ocean waves.

I've had recurring nightmares of tsunamis all my life and spent too long caught in the under toe of a big wave while boogie boarding as a kid.

So I NEVER had any intention of surfing.

Sure, others may find that thrilling, but definitely not in my wheelhouse of fun!

Until I decided to push my own boundary. Maybe it was to model doing something that scared me to my kids - to show them it's possible to be scared of something, and do it anyways.

healthy boundary pushing

I'm really interested in the concept of knowing how to healthily push our own boundaries. I love stories of boundary-pushing courage and endurance: people who sail across the ocean in small boats (my neighbor Doug) or run marathons around the world (my friend Naomi). That said, boundaries are deeply personal. What is thrilling and motivating to my friend and neighbor is thrilling and intimidating to me.

The question then becomes, what is the right boundary for me to push, to stay on my growth edge - challenged but not overwhelmed?

I think it's a question I need to continuously ask myself. Especially when I notice the feeling of being stuck or afraid - which sometimes shows up as a desire for perfectionism, or a tendency to distract myself with easy to-do lists and phone scrolling.

unexpected outcomes

We practiced on the sand, and having my boys at my side helped me to put on a brave face. As we started to make our way out past the break, I felt the old fear well up from deep down, and acknowledging it, I made a choice to breathe and focus on what was ahead of me instead of my fears.

My boys were nervous so wanted me to go first. It all happened so fast - a wave began to crest, I was shoved out, I stood up, and ... I was surfing! And you know what? It was a BLAST! My expectations totally overturned. Riding the wave was nothing at all like crashing under it. I was lucky, the surf was very gentle that morning, and we all got in a lot of rides - plenty of wipe outs (that I survived), but ended the morning with a huge smile on my face and an epic final wave.

3 tips

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Maybe you have your own boundary you want to push - whether it's to get unstuck from an old fear, or rediscover dormant joy and passion, here are a couple things to give a try.

Tip # 1: Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment: Treating yourself with understanding rather than criticism during unexpected difficulties actually activates different neurological pathways. Self-kindness triggers oxytocin and opiates in the brain (the caregiving system). Self-criticism activates the threat-defense system (fight-flight system).

This can be hard as self-judgement can be really ingrained in a lot of us, especially if expectations were high for you growing up. Fortunately, in my surf lesson it was easy because my expectations were so LOW, that falling didn't trigger any self-judgement - really more the opposite - I was thrilled I did it - not always this easy, but I'll take it!

Tip #2: Mindfulness vs. Over-identification: People who can acknowledge difficulties without becoming completely consumed by negative emotions are more likely to continue pursuing challenging goals. For my surf lesson, it was the difference between interpreting the butterflies in my stomach as "this is scary but exciting" vs "this is scary and this wave is going to DROWN ME." 😝

Tip #3: Embrace the discomfort: Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's research on flow states suggests that our best learning & growth happens in the zone between comfort and overwhelming anxiety - the sweet spot 🍦where the challenge is just above our current skill level.

If my first lesson had been later in the week when the surf was much bigger, I probably would have zipped past this optimal zone and instead faced overwhelming anxiety- and who knows what else. 🌊This can be a blurry line, and it's where healthy boundary pushing gets really personal.

The good news is that fMRI brain imaging shows that repeatedly facing manageable discomfort actually rewires our brain, reducing fear over time when facing similar discomfort.

For me? I would definitely surf again - maybe even with waves slightly bigger (to keep pushing my boundary, even if it's just a little at a time).🏄🏼‍♀️

And guess what? According to longitudinal research, people who regularly engage with discomfort report higher life satisfaction and greater career advancement than those who primarily stay within their comfort zones. Worth a shot, if you ask me!

Stay playful 🙃

Turns out, my kids did seem to take a page from my book! Even if sometimes they fall, or a little scared, I'm glad they are learning to push their own boundaries in a healthy way.

Warmly,

Allie

P.S. If you liked this, reply directly to this email and share what fear YOU are thinking about challenging. I'd love to hear from you.

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