My inner judge is a Bitch.

Yup. I rarely cry, and she made me cry this week. But honestly? It felt good to cry. There was so much emotion pent up behind my wretched self-judgement that when the tears came I was grateful for the release.

Yet despite my misery, it was a good lesson in self-compassion in the end. And I want to share my story, for anyone who has been caught in that terrible loop of judging yourself or a situation you're in, with a few thoughts on how to shut down that inner Judge, at least for a little while. 😝

The trip we'd be planning for months

I’ve been looking forward to backpacking with J.R. for over a year now, ever since he and I started hiking without kids. All of our adult-only hiking has been with other friends or solo until now. We had just driven 2+ hours from home and were literally ON THE TRAIL hiking to Spectacle Lake - and I made us turn around.

The thing is, I really didn’t want to sabotage this trip.

J.R. had been meticulously planning this for at least 8 months, carefully reading book after book, pouring over map after map, talking to every experienced backpacker he knew, and had landed on Spectacle Lake. This was to be my first foray into wilderness camping as an adult, a re-initiation into the world of wilderness adventuring.

I have been overly cautious of anything more than a day hike ever since a bad mountain biking accident on a week-long adventure camp in Colorado when I was 17. I was ogling the scenery, hit a big rock, and tore my shoulder, side, leg, arm and hand up so bad that my senior year on the tennis team was lost, and I had minor PTSD from the little white maggots that were growing in my open wounds by the end of my trip.

We had already canceled this trip last minute a few months ago due to weather, and we had so much going in our favor this time!

1. My wonderful parents had agreed to watch our three kids - again - even though they had just watched them for a trip we took the prior weekend.
2. There was only one other car in the parking lot - so we’d have the trail and lake to ourselves!
3. I had insisted we stop and get masks on the drive up, so we were being safe with the smoke, I told myself!
4. The last turn before our trailhead, there was a large blockade closing the road in the other direction: closed due to firefighting activity. But our road was open!

The warning sign

But when we got to the trailhead, after all that planning and preparing and driving, we got another blow. There was a sign posted, from 10 days ago, by the local ranger station.

It said: "Due to difficult access and limited evacuation options, please avoid day use and do not camp in the following areas…. " followed by a list that, yes, included our destination, Spectacle Lake.

We looked at it for a minute. We didn’t have cell reception, so couldn’t call the ranger station listed to confirm it was still up to date. J.R. had looked at the fire maps before we left, and we were fairly confident we weren’t close to the fires. It could be outdated by now, we said. How seriously should we take this? Also, the first destination, Pete Lake, wasn’t on the list, maybe we should just start and see how we felt.

The trail was stunning from the start. The path wove around a sparkling, wide, crystal clear creek. It was peacefully quiet as we hiked up the gently undulating path through beautiful, mottled black and tan ponderosa pines.

Spiraling into the story

But I couldn’t stop thinking about the fire and that sign.

I knew how to deal with a bear encounter, which I had for the first time with my friend Courtney earlier this summer. I knew how to handle a cougar encounter, although thank goodness I haven’t had one. But fire? I I had no clue. I’ve read stories about firefighters who have found themselves suddenly in huge danger when the wind shifts and the fire jumps. I think you can clear brush and dig a hole, but I didn’t have a shovel! I most definitely wasn’t prepared for this kind of emergency situation.

And then I started imaging my life as a movie, with all the warning signs becoming ominous foreshadowing of the climax where unexpectedly the fire jumps across the woods and our three children end up orphans in a tragic ending that was totally preventable. 😳

Logically, I told myself that this was probably not going to happen, but by now I was caught in my own story. I’m not normally a hypervigilant person, but I was in full fear mode now. J.R. and I decided to turn around, drive back into cell phone reception area, and call the ranger station.

Thirty minutes later, we were on the phone. While the guy we talked said it wasn’t CLOSED yet - according to his map - he wasn’t very reassuring either. The movie reel continued in my head, and we didn’t go back to the trailhead.

Figuring we could hike somewhere else if put another hundred miles between us and the fire, we headed back west. But disturbingly, the air quality grew even WORSE, as it funneled through the mountain pass. We saw a hitchhiker with a pack, and pulled over. He had hiked 2,400 miles of the PCT, but was called it quits for today because the air quality was just too bad. It felt like the universe confirming: today is not your day.

Enter the inner judge

Yet STILL - despite all the evidence that this was, a) not my fault, b) the smart, safe decision - I was fighting my inner judge who was telling me I was disappointing J.R., who had put so much into planning this. That it was because I was too weak and scared.

I was vaguely aware this was my inner judge at the time, yet I just couldn’t get out of the doom loop of judgement. I was in full self-flagelation mode now: I was the one who was too cautious and made us turn back. I let J.R. down. He deserved someone better, tougher, who could do this. This was a sign I wasn't really ready for this anways. We spent 5 hours driving for nothing.

It feels silly in retrospect, but I worked myself into such a tizzy over this situation that I had a total emotional meltdown when we got home.

What??? 🤯

Coming out of the loop

Honestly? I'd like to say it just took a good cry to come out of it, but really, it took another day and talking to other people to fully come out of my judgy loop of doom.

When I did, I realized it was a beautiful lesson in staying humble. So what that you have a meditation practice, the universe was telling me. You still can get caught in the stories you create. Does it happen often? No. But it renewed my compassion not only for myself, but for everyone else who gets caught in their inner judgy story.

What helps

And here’s what helps:

1) Fully feeling the big feelings - not avoiding them.

2) Confronting my mean inner voice - exaggerating it helps. "I’m to blame for this bad situation, and I'm too weak to do anything." It feels true at first. Which makes me cry. But it also allows me to question it: is that REALLY true, Allie? What happens when you believe it? What’s the opposite and how might THAT be true or truer?

3) When I really can’t access that calm, questioning voice, remember to just give it time. Cry if I need to. Clear some emotional space.

By early evening, I had relaxed a little. I watched the air quality get even worse in the area we were supposed to be, to very unhealthy and then “avoid all outdoor use for anyone” levels, and that helped too.

We made backup plans for our next trip. And more importantly, I was able to get enough space between me and my nasty inner, bitchy judge to realize that making a safety call - even if I was really looking forward to something - isn’t weak it’s good judgement. And feeling disappointed is not a reason to judge myself - or the situation. It's okay to feel just... disappointed. Maybe it doesn't have to MEAN something else.

two things to try

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1. Catch your inner judge, the next time you find yourself stressed, frustrated, or disappointed. Even if it's just a slight recognition that it's your inner judge - not your wisest self. Even if you can't stop the storyline. That's a step in the right direction.

2. If you want to try naming the judge, you can check out the framework from Positive Intelligence: https://positiveintelligence.com/

A Final Word

So... now I won’t get caught in my stories ever again, right? 😂

OBVIOUSLY not! But I notice that I can come out of the doom loops a lot faster. And I do attribute that to my meditation practice. Sometimes it catches my inner judge really fast, but not always. And that's okay, too. I know I can short-circuit to so much faster and easier.

If there's one thing I want you to take from this: you're allowed to be both wise and human. See if you can catch yourself the next time you catch yourself spiraling. Maybe it's judging yourself for being too cautious, too much, not enough. Try to meet it with the same tenderness you'd offer a friend telling you this story. You don't have to fix it in the moment. You just have to notice it, and know it will pass.

Anyone else have a story you’ve caught yourself in - that you sort-of realized was a story at the time - but couldn’t stop yourself anyways? I'd love to hear your story - send me a note, and we can connect. :)

Warmly,

Allie