For those who missed my last few pieces in this mini-series, this is my fourth and final reflection inspired by the book Born to Flourish: How New Science and Ancient Wisdom Reveal a Simple Path to Flourishing, written by a pair of world-renowned contemplative neuroscientists. They are at the forefront of the science and practice of flourishing, and much of their work bridges ancient Buddhist wisdom and modern neuroscience, so it sits at a fascinating intersection for me. I'll include a few links to check out at the end, if you'd like to explore their work further.

The Purpose Trap

The last trainable flourishing skill is tough for me. It's purpose.

Honestly? I can struggle with the word "purpose."

Where I Get Stuck

I get trapped in my own web of expectations about what a serious enough purpose "should" be.

Asking myself "What's my purpose?" can often make my mind go blank.

I'm often subconsciously comparing myself to someone else, who I assume has a "better" or more noble purpose — sometimes it's someone I know, sometimes its someone like Mother Theresa or Michelle Obama. If I'm honest, I can feel a little jealous of those for whom that sense of purpose seems to come effortlessly.

Is that just me?? 🫣

A Small Reframe

When I read Davidson and Dahl's definition of purpose, it created a small but noticeable reframe for me. Here's what they have to say about purpose, which is the fourth trainable skill of flourishing they identified from their decades of research.

What this opens up, then, is that the skill behind purpose is getting better at finding the things — which can be little or big — that energize and inspire you.

It can be as simple as that.

→ What energizes you? What inspires you?

If this is also a challenge, play with replacing "what" with "who."

→ Who energizes you? Who inspires you? Then: What are their qualities?

The reason this works differently: it shifts the focus from "ME" — where your ego is in charge (and silently judging or holding back) — to unveil some areas where your sense of meaning and purpose may already be embodied in someone else, even if you can't see it in yourself quite yet.

🙈

It's Not About You (I Promise That's Good News)

The truth is, finding a sense of purpose isn't about our ego — the "me" that's judging what's a good enough purpose. I get caught in it sometimes, too. It's the water we swim in, how our brains are wired, that everything is about us.

But the reality is it's about contributing to something larger than ourselves. Whether that's a value, like connection or kindness, or a cause like climate change, or a group of people you're a part of.

That's the surprising secret about finding our "purpose": it's actually not about ME.

It's about how might I be of service?

One More Purpose Trap: The Myth of "The One"

Like the myth of a single soul mate, there's no single, static purpose you must find. You don't have to go hunting for a needle in your life's haystack.

It's natural for your purpose to evolve and change, and for different things to feel inspiring and energizing — a meaningful sense of how you can serve — at different times in your life.

Or perhaps, the subject of your purpose may change, while the values that anchor it mature.

For me, there's an element of self-compassion and acceptance in releasing that myth. It gives me permission to keep discovering, rather than needing to have already arrived.

So when you feel yourself going down this unproductive loop into your judgmental web of grand purpose expectations, try this small reframe. It offers a doorway out into a more spacious place of purpose-curiosity.

Three Doorways In

If you're not sure where to start, explore the questions above through three very accessible, everyday experiences:

1. 👀 Curiosity — What do you find yourself naturally curious about, or nerding out on? That may be a seed that grows into a sense of purpose.
2. 🛝 Play — Make time to do something just for FUN. It's a surprisingly wonderful way to answer these questions — but the trick is, you can't be actively trying to answer them while you're playing!
3. 🏔️ Awe — Make time for activities and places that inspire a sense of awe, whether that's getting outdoors, going to a concert, or any of the 8 natural wonders Dacher Keltner talks about.

Something to Try

PURPOSE PRACTICE: Set the Day's North Star (2–3 min)

Ask yourself one question: What's inspiring me today? Not just what's urgent on the "to do" list, but how can I be of service?

You might think of:

• a person you want to show up for,
• a value you want to embody,
• something larger you're contributing to.

Let this be the meaningful intention — or purpose — that runs beneath the day's activity.

TIP: Write it down on a post-it and place it somewhere you'll see it!

Stay playful. 📷 : from my solo hike to Mt Si this Monday. I forgot my poles and my calves are still paying for it!😝

Warmly, Allie

P.S. I would love to hear what you think — send me a note if this resonated with you!

P.P.S. Here are those extra resources I mentioned up top, for those interested in exploring more behind contemplative neuroscience:

• Substack: https://www.dharmalab.co/​
• Humin: https://www.humin.org/​
• Center for Healthy Minds: https://centerhealthyminds.org/​