This is Part 3 of 4 in this mini-series on the skills of flourishing, inspired by the newly published Born to Flourish by Cortland Dahl, PhD and Richard Davidson, PhD.

Learning to flourish might feel a little like a paradox at first.

Many of us assume our flourishing is dependent on external things like your health, job, relationship, salary, family, living situation, political situation, weather - you name it- something hard or impossible to control.

And what if one or more of those fails to meets your criteria for flourishing?

It feels out of reach -- on hold -- dependent on you being able to fix the problem. That creates a lot of pressure. And sometimes is actually impossible.

That's where the skill of insight comes into play.

Let me give you a reframe here.

What if... the most impactful skill you can develop when it comes to flourishing - regardless of your external circumstances - was the skill of insight?

Let me define what I mean by insight: Insight is the capacity to see how our thoughts, emotions, and beliefs shape our experience.

It’s also a skill you are constantly tempted to outsource. 👀

We outsource our own skill of insight by:

• asking other people for advice.
• seeking an expert to tell us what to do.
• procrastinating with endless reading, classes, or trainings, when what we really need to do is take a step into the unknown, and risk making our own mistakes.

Why do you do this? Because it feels like the answer must be out there, somewhere. With someone much wiser and more experienced than you.

And the thing is, it's not ALL wrong.

You can and should learn from teachers and mentors. You don't have to figure it all out alone. And... when you gain insight on your own thinking and patterns and habits, all of a sudden, that wise lesson takes on an entirely new meaning. A meaning you feel intrinsically - not just intellectually. It's when the cliche suddenly becomes the felt insight, not just the empty, inspirational quote.

Here's one thing I've learned about the skill of insight:

Real insight requires being able to face something uncomfortable about yourself with genuine compassion. No one can force you to do that.

How do you start to build the skill of insight?

Insight almost always starts with learning to notice the hidden stories, beliefs and assumptions that surround a challenging situation. Then, holding it all lightly asking, either out loud, or on paper, or both (whichever helps you clearly see what you're really thinking):

Is this really true?

Can I know that with 100% certainty that it's true?

Or is it a story I’m holding on to?

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One of my favorite tools for this is the The Work, from Byron Katie. The Work is a set of questions that forms a simple practice for examining your thoughts and assumptions about the causes of your suffering with deep curiosity and compassion, and awakening to your true nature. For me, it aligns with the Buddhist philosophy and practices I also find incredibly powerful for developing insight.

These are frameworks I often use for developing the skill of insight on really sticky challenges - the kinds that take real time and intention to peel back. They are also perhaps a little harder to do on your own if this is a newish skill for you, so let's start with something simple.

Something to play with

Here’s a short yet powerful practice for strengthening your insight muscle. Every thought we have is positive, negative, or neutral.

INSIGHT PRACTICE — Work with one moment of friction

At some point today, you will feel resistance — frustration, impatience, a flicker of resentment or doubt. When it arises, don't push through it automatically. Pause.

Ask yourself: What story am I telling myself right now? What would I see if I looked at this differently? See what emerges when you ask and open a little space in your mind for a fresh perspective.

Insight doesn't come from blind luck. It comes from a conscious decision to shift from assumption to curiosity, from certainty to open-mindedness.

Final thoughts

This is definitely a practice. Don’t get hard on yourself if you struggle at first. This is where things like having a coach, a meditation practice, a therapist, or a journaling practice can be really wonderful supports and mirrors.

And with that, I'll leave you with a few provocative what ifs:

What if...

• What if you could strengthen your ability to see how your thoughts, emotions, and beliefs shape your experience?
• What if you focused less on criticizing how this it isn’t serving you, and more on getting curious about how it is serving you?
• What if the hard thing wasn’t the decision itself, but what you had to let go of it make it?

Warmly,

Allie

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Curious to read more about building your insight muscle? If you've already worked on cultivating the skill of insight, these are two I love.

• ​The Work of Byron Katie, with tons of free resources.
• ​Blueprints of Awakening: a Varjiana (Tibetan) Buddhism primer that's full of some wonderful insight practices, packaged in a really well-done self-paced course.

If you want support applying these practices, reach out and we can talk about coaching. ☺️